Six Tips to Help Avoid a Fight with your Teenager
Author: Dr.NoelSwanson Total views: 5 Word Count: 853
Your child has become a teenager. You have enjoyed the first thirteen years of raising your child. You worried about them all the time. You changed too many diapers to keep count and you watched in pride as they won the fourth grade spelling bee. You helped them through the struggles in life such as scraped knees and taking their first test at school.
Surely those were the hardest years? Now they are growing up. Now they are a bit more independent, a bit more mature, surely things will get easier? They are big enough to help out with some chores. They can look after themselves for an evening if you want a well earned night off. You can have sensible conversations with them.
So what goes wrong when they hit that 13th Birthday??? In many cultures they would now be considered adults - old enough to marry, old enough to sit in the village council to listen to the debates with the elders. Yet in the West, the teen years seem, so often, to be full of strife and conflict. Why does this occur?
Clearly stated it is due to human development and everyone's expectations.
The first is that the teen years are a period of amazing brain development. The brain is an ever changing machine - almost like a self-programming computer. It is constantly making, strengthening, weakening and breaking connections. It is these connections that form the basis of memory, of learned skills, of perception, and of social reasoning.
From birth through age 12, your child's brain experiences and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.
And then it all falls apart. Quite literally, during the teen years the brain completely re-wires itself. And while it does so, it actually LOSES some of its previous abilities and skills. This is most noticeable in the area of social communication. The teen years are, pre-eminently, a time of learning how to be a social being - how to form and maintain social attachments - to society, to friends and, of course, ultimately to a sexual mate.
But learning this stuff is difficult. The brain has to operate in these fields while, at the same time, it is re- programming itself to a much greater degree of sophistication that it had in the pre-teen years. And that is what causes such variability in their social functioning: At times they are acutely aware of social nuances. At other times they just don't seem to get it.
This conflict is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and lose out on much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one irritable teenager.
Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are teenagers. They hear every day from many sources that they "should" be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.
But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it "should not" be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.
The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.
So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen - or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:
1) Fighting and yelling are not effective.
2) Your teenager wishes to have the optimal outcome as well. They are relying on the ability of their perceptions and skills which could vary greatly from yours.
3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.
4) Whose problem is this? Whose agenda? What, exactly, will happen if the outcome of all of this is opposite to your desires? Does that *really* matter, in the grand scheme of things?
5) Is there another way of motivating your teenager to comply, other than trying to bully him?
6) Remember, your teenager will outgrow the teenager years eventually. Think about the future and how you will want to remember this time in your lives.
In conclusion, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, relax a little. Don't be so strict that you push your teenager away. Figure out how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with fun and enjoyment.
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Fed up with your teenagers' behavioral problems? Find the solutions from Dr. Noel Swanson's Teenage Behavior Problems website and get a FREE one-hour audio packed with tips, tricks and advice.
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