You Can Become the "Ultimate" Parent!
Author: Dr.NoelSwanson Total views: 13 Word Count: 1246
We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs (in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What does it take to give your children the very best start to life that you possibly can?
John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children during the 1960's. Bowlby coined the term "good-enough parenting". His basic premise was that as long as you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children would survive. So is that merely good enough? Or do you need to do more in efforts to be the best parent possible - do you need to strife to be a "super" parent or even an "ultimate" parent? Is there really an "ultimate" parent or is that a myth perpetuated by the feminist movement?
First, let's clear this up: no one is the perfect parent. It's not possible for you to do everything right, every moment, every year of your child's life. Nor should you make that your goal. There's some truth Bowlby's concept of "good enough" - you don't need to be concerned with being perfect. Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being "Good enough" is good enough.
Most of you probably want more than just average for you kids. I feel certain that there are attitudes you can change that will allow you to give your children the very best of lives. You will benefit as well, since your life will be simpler, yet more fulfilling. Following is a list of things that will help you become the "ultimate" parent:
1) Allow yourself to be human. You are not capable of doing everything or being everywhere. Everyone makes mistakes - you too have concerns, problems, and issues. and hang-ups from your own past. That's okay - it's more important to have the right attitude than to be perfect.
How do you have the right attitude? Start by being humble. Try to recognize that you are still learning, and be willing to learn from your mistakes. A sign of maturity is to recognize that you occasionally make mistakes but that you work on making changes to your life and attitude.
Going overboard the other way and continually berating yourself is as bad as thinking you already know it all. Forgive your mistakes and celebrate your triumphs. Learn lessons from your past but don't dwell on it. Go forward with your life in the way that you want. If you need help ask for it or if you feel able, just "get over it".
2) Be aware that you are playing a game with probabilities: Occasionally we hear stories about kids from abusive or deprived family situations who manage to become hugely successful. And on the flip side, we've heard of kids from great families with all the advantages that still have problems with drugs and crime.
Unfortunately, the truth is that parents are just one factor in a child's upbringing. Children are also under the influence of peers, other relatives, teachers, media figures, and anyone else they encounter on a daily basis, not to mention there own genetic predisposition. There's nothing you can do to control all of the influences. Even if you are the best, ultimate parent, you kids may still have problems. And you could be the worst parent and have the most successful children. Nothing in life is a sure thing.
So you play the probabilities. Of course you know that if your children are abused they are more than likely going to turn out bad. Clearly, being abusive to your children is a terrible idea. Using fair and consistent parenting and direction is far more likely to product good results.
By the way, successful parenting isn't determined by how excellent your children end up being. Success for you and them means that you did the very best that you could with what you knew at the time. Some of those decisions were probably wrong when you look back, but that happens. If you didn't try, and took the easy way every time without trying to determine how your decision would affect the children, then I do believe that you failed. That holds true even if your lazy decision ended up being right.
3) Be aware that there are other things in your life besides your children. It's easy nowadays to get so focused on our children that we put them before everything else. not the only things in your life.
For instance, some parents wouldn't consider accepting a new position in a different city if it meant uprooting their family - taking your children away from their school and their friends.
There has to be a balance in our children's lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish "me first" child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what's in the best interest of the entire family.
4) Always think about the long term. Raising your children doesn't happen overnight, so keep your long-term aspirations in the forefront. What kind of adults to you want them to be, and what life skills will help them? What are the best experiences to help them develop strong characters and those skills?
Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft toy, or put together a jigsaw?
5) Your children will make mistakes, just like you, but notice the positives. Gently correct and forgive them, then move on. Focus on the right things they did rather than the wrong. They want your attention, so if you respond more strongly to the negatives, they will do more of them. If you praise them for the positives, they will try so much harder to please you all the time.
6) Be strong and stay focused. If you believe what you are doing is the right thing, you know that you are moving in the right direction. Some times you may make decisions that your children don't respect or try to challenge. Unless there is some new information, stay with your decision. Don't let anyone dissuade you from what you think is the right thing to do. Sometimes that means saying no, which can be a difficult thing for children (or sometimes other relatives) to swallow.
Yes, you may turn out to be wrong. We know that can happen. It's so easy to look back and know what the right thing would have been. Better to stick to your guns than be like a flag waving in the wind. Your children watch what you do in both easy and difficult situations. Even if you make a mistake along the way, the fact that you believe in yourself and try your very best, you can't help but impress them with your good example.
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For more parenting advice by Dr. Noel Swanson, why not check out his parenting advice website?
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